Paris Hilton is Burning

PARIS ATTACKED BY MONKEY

Damn it. I had pictured a gigantic, frothing, heavy-testicled ape rampaging through the streets of paris, aiding and abetting in the current destruction of france in a final blood-orgy of violence. Planes buzzing, sirens blaring, the towering simian plows mercilessly through the city, crushing all those who dare stray in its sizable stead. On the ground, in the air, in the bath... No man or child is safe (odds are he'd just coo and caress the ladies, Kong-style)... Armageddon, monkey-style. It'd be glorious! What could they do against such raw, poop-flinging terror!?

What indeed, oh happy day!? Indeed, what? Poop-flinging, i say unto thee! The horror! The odor!

instead:
PARIS ATTACKED BY MONKEY
oh.

The title had it all, but the promise of titillation came up oh, so short, like a hasty handjob in the basement at 14.

in related news:
Paris Hilton Loses Shoe

Hold on, stop the press, SOME SKINNY SLUT LOST HER SHOE! SCREW THE WAR ON THE POOR, THE DEEPENING QUAGMIRE IN IRAQ AND THE WIDENING OZONE LAYER! BALLS TO THE DYING KITTENS! CAN'T YOU SEE WE HAVE A CRISIS HERE?!! CAN YOU NOT, YOU COLD-HEARTED COMMUNISTS?! ...TO THE BOMB SHELTERS, BEFORE THE DROPPING OF THE OTHER SHOE RIPS THE VERY FABRIC OF TIME AND SPACE!

I hope next time the damned monkey gives her rabies, herpies or perhaps the 'Rage' (g'bless them fit zombies). I'd give my left beanbag to see her running about caked in blood and feces, spitting up bile and partially digested brain matter... Though I doubt I'd get within 200 yards of her (as opposed to the 199-yard birth i currently and scrupulously maintain)

I'm gonna go half-drown in liquor and attempt to cut my own goddamned head off with a potato masher. Bugger. Happiness and gumdrops tomorrow, i promise. unless Paris hilton stubs her toe or loses a stamp or somthing.