Monday, May 08, 2006

Phone Etiquette for the Discriminating Gentle-person


Not one to rest on his laurels and simply be a source for entertainment and pathos, I have decided to enrich your life with my well-worn and painfully useless knowledge.
Here's a handy tip when talking on the blower (phone) with pesky telemarketers, boorish co-workers or nagging family members. I call it the 'Talk, Hang and Hold' response.

1) TALK like you are actually interested in what the other has to say. Sound engaged, even though you secretly wish to impale yourself or set your hair on fire rather than to continue listening to the blathering sweat-flap on the other end.

2) HANG up the phone NOT during one of your guests' inane retorts, but rather whilst you are in the process of making an observance or query. This works on two fronts. Firstly, your captor will never suspect that you have 'hung up on his ass' as no reasonable gentleman would ever hang up when it is he who is making a point, would he? Secondly, it gets you off the phone post haste, no muss, and avoidance is what this is all about in the first place.

3) HOLD off answering the phone for some time. He/she/it may try a few different phones (cel, home, a friends) thinking perhaps it was his line that failed. Do not, under any circumstances, answer the phone, as you need to continue the charade that your line has become inexplicably dead. He may, in a wily and coarse fashion, get a mutual accquaintance to attempt to reach you. No dice, as you are not answering, for no-one, no-how, right?

Left alone, you may continue with your evening unmolested, free to sip martinis with that Spanish fashion model, or drive an expensive car, or watch television in your underpants. The next you meet, be sure to have a 'likely excuse' for the person you have sleighted, and he will be none the wiser.

You may thank me for this gem by wiring me a sum of money, if you wish.

3 Comments:

Anonymous meinert said...

Yes. I tried that very technique about a month ago with a telemarketer who would not take 'no' for an answer. Sure enough, the phone rang a minute later. Didn't answer and was never called by that company again.
Also works if you cut your sentence in half and make a couple of clicking sounds before hanging up.

2:59 PM  
Blogger Contra-Chimpdicated said...

This is really becoming a full-service site. Any advice on steaming spinach?

6:12 PM  
Blogger DaProkah said...

I say, how abssolutely ruouge of you sir! I will ofcourse, employ these tactics immediately.

10:27 AM  

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