Friday, December 16, 2005

KING KONG: And They Called it Monkey Love... Review/ Discussion

"T'was beauty killed the beast". There you have it; KONG was killed by toxic lipstick in Lancome's animal testing lab in an unspecified locale in the Philippines. You heard it here first!

Saw "KING KONG" last night. Even though it did not deliver the depth I had hoped from Peter Jackson's previous exploits, i feel the film had enough merit to recommend it as an entertaining foray. Now, that being said, do not for a moment believe that i wholly recommend it. If you have issues with sitting for three hours (leaky bowel, restless leg syndrome) you may want to skip it. If you have issues with poor character development and highly cliched plot mechanics, skip it as well. And, lastly, if the idea of a love story between a rampaging, testosterone fueled simian and a comely damsel puts you ill at ease, I say, skip it as well and perhaps use that time to visit a professional, as you have larger issues at play.

firstly, I offer you two options, conveniently labeled "A" and "B", in order to gauge the viewablitity of said film. The former is a patent pending "one word review", and is specially formulated for those with either low attention span or a hurried lifestyle. If you have a hurried lifestyle, stop here, as a three hour foray into filmdom would not work with your current lifestyle just as, apparently, oral and physical hygiene. The latter is a two-person conversation and review of the film (with requisite spoilers) that degrades rather quickly to a spatter of feces humor and breast references. As I am desperate for content, I will print it in it's entirety, I'm sure it's skewed logic is good for something, and not just wrapping fish.




DISCUSSION OF KING KONG (With esteemed and well-endowed critics 'Blogmonkey' and 'Sinkchicken'):
taped before a live studio audience comprised of three fish and a duvet. May not have happened.

SC: ...And where were the bowel movement scenes?
To my recollection, that's all the original King Kong films were about.

BM: More 'poo'?

SC: I thought that's why they were considered classics.
"…The 8th wonder of the world! Giant Ape Poo! Watch as he screams so hard at his damsel in distress that he shits himself (course, it's been a little more of a torrent than turd as of late since his American diet consists of little more than vats of banana puree and lowgrade dog food.)

BM: I imagine the size of pooper-scooper required would easily constitute the 9th wonder. "see! Watch four grown men, strapping lads all, tremble under the weight of a single turd!"
personally, i found jack black a little over his head; ill cast.

SC: Yeah. his best line was "i'm drying my wings off and trekking across the bowl" or, across the seat lid rather or whatever it was.
Now there could have been some excellent J.B. repartee as he starts to formulate his plan on skull island and we think he's planning on exploiting the ape directly and then he steps around the fallen ape that everyone else is oggling and says "look at the size of this brown beauty!" or something funnier still.

BM: I thought philip seymore hoffman would have worked better.

SC: yeah, cause he can play dark and funny within a hairs breadth of each other

BM: Yep. also, I find his heavy breathing humorous. I know it means he'll probably die soon, but it's still funny.

SC: I think it would have played better if JB and co. and the captain even, had had a secret plan all along to get the ape, that they were just doing the picture as pretense to lure him out...maybe that survivor they spoke of could have revealed it to them and then they came up with the scheme. Could have made for a bit of tension in the "you'd planned this all along you shit, people have died" vein that could have been part of what defined Adrian Brody as the morally correct hero

BM: No, you are stupid. It would truly have worked better to play black's character as a reluctant accomplice to the 'hidden nazi'. You see, he is broke and will be arrested on his return. Kong is his only way out of the bind. His character had no crux. he starts out with a hidden decency and becomes a collous beast in a hair's breadth. it didn't work.
He should have been more desperate and less of an opportunist.
...and don't fucking argue with me.

SC: no you are stupid. My idea would have worked just as well. And not more desperate, more sinister, more manical, stop at nothing to make himself famous, then he could have represented more clearly the antithesis of what Kong represents so manical and sinister that he goes to bed with the Nazis to accomplish his scheme. his "devotion" to film making was weak.

BM: Idiot. I said 'don't argue'! In all, character development suffered due to the reliance on big effects. however, kong himself was well done and quite expressive.

SC: Yeah, very cool, very "koko" realistic

BM: Yeah, however, the compositing was weak in a few scenes.

SC: ...With him?

BM: Yes, too 'cut out'. Imagine had he tried to bone her?

SC: When she was with him, you mean?

BM: Yes... How the hell would it work otherwise?

SC: ...Or even just jacked it all over her. there's a reason for a sequel! she's inseminated from his semen shower! ...and she could have laughed and laughed and twirled around as if it were a romantic rain storm in the summer!

BM: Also, It would have been a sentimental touch had the crowd all gawked in amazement at his giant wanger after he fell from his lofty perch to his doom. "holy shit! 'tis the size of a well-nourished man!"

SC: and just as rosey!

BM: However, we all know that apes are not very well endowed, and it would have been pointed out by simian penis purists.

SC: (Baffled)...I didn't, I don't study all that much animal genitalia as of late, too much else to do.

BM: I know from reading, you from first hand experience (or is it, 'right-hand' experience?).

SC: i know it only orally.

...from hear say, I meant.


BM: I don't think that requires a retort. So, whaddya give it? i give it seven bananas on ten.

SC: I'd like to give it 8 (bananas), but one would be a browner shade (over-ripe banana reference), almost ready to toss or use in a banana bread recipe....and only 8 because I loved LOTR so much.

BM: Poor character development, stilted acting and too many vfx sequences took away from the interesting stuff that truly worked. And, not enough titty. However, i like the giant ape.
I almost cried when he fell.

SC: ...He (Kong) had titties. yeah, everytime he was on screen pretty much i almost cried because you know exactly what he represents. Same thing that got me with that Diane Fossey Gorillas in the Mist and such like material.

BM: Innocence?...or just 'monkeys'?

SC: ...We shouldn't have been so afraid to show our emotions in front of each other and that huge crowd, we should have bawled like insane children, stood up and screamed "Don't you see! Don't you see!"
"We do this everyday! IN everything we do! He is the planet crying out against our madness and cruelty and we are the true monkey's covering our sense holes!"

BM: I was too busy eating my bushmeat sandwich to jump up like a pussy.

SC: You still like to pretend your candy is other types of food? I outgrew that at 2 (ish).
But have to admit i could eat another bag of 'fuzzy peaches' right now.

BM: I have to shit.

SC: No no, do it here in front of me. i don't mind.

End of transmission.


Blogger Boob1 said...

I'm confused Monkey...on our blog you said you were the being a great lover or being ugly? C'mon be specific monkey. By the way, can I spank the monkey??????

5:24 p.m.  
Blogger Blog Monkey said...

the monkey may be delicately spanked.

i'm not sure what i was referring to at all. maybe i'll hop on over.

8:26 p.m.  
Blogger jj said...

My mother would never buy me those stuffed sock monkeys, and I think I have suffered because of that neglect. They hold a strong and erotic attraction for me. I wonder........

I read your comment also and I thougth it meant you were a great ugly lover? I am confused.


8:59 p.m.  
Blogger Blog Monkey said...

oh dear.

i understand the confusion. i'm not ugly, i'm hideous. sorry for the confusion!

9:41 a.m.  

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