'Merica, Where Have You Gone?

Well, as bad as things get in this country with the impending election, horrid snow squalls, language unrest and raging holiday idiocy, at least things haven’t taken a twist toward the utterly bizarre and surreal as they have in the republic to the south.

Let’s see, a laundry list of interesting and disturbing items making news in the south.

A: They transport prisoners to countries that condone torture. Perhaps that’s too light a description. Okay, I’ll give it another go. They cut the thumbs and nuts off people in other countries. The land of freedom actively pursuing the heinous act of torture? Don’t act so surprised, the CIA has been torturing people for years in South America. They trained the death squads there! Only now, it’s kind of out in the open, which doesn't make it better.

B: The dollar is falling faster than a ten-dollar tramps' panties. Who’d have guessed the Yuan would quickly become the note of choice? Bet old wobble-bottom Nixon didn’t visualize this when he switched from a gold to an oil based economy. Speaking of which…

C: The country is run by an oil baron, and all that implies. Take the greediest type of personality on earth and put them in charge of the richest and most heavily armed country on earth and let nature take its course. You bet your ass that the search for more Texas tea will lead you to…

D: WAR. And lots of it. The most warring nation on earth has finally bit off more than they can chew. Under the guise of ‘battling terrorism’ and ‘protecting America’ they have annexed more land than one thought possible. But it’s a quagmire. How are they gonna pay to maintain it all with…

E: a national debt of 40 TRILLION DOLLARS, or $136,479 per man, woman and child. Pay up, people! You think ‘freedom’ is free? Dubya’s wartime spending spree is racking up the debt like a college kid in a computer shop, with no chance of abating. Now with the dollar slumping and markets drying up for hideously constructed American goods, you think it’s all gonna get better? Not without taking over another countries’ wealth it won’t! But that is not likely to happen without someone backing you up… and that isn’t about to happen anymore because…

F: Old friends are quickly becoming foes. All you have on your side, thanks to your cock-heavy rampage through the Middle East is Great Britain, Israel and some other god awful banana republics like East Timorangoria (or whatever). So, the U.N. is no longer a happy hut for you guys. Well, not like you listen to the Security Council in the first place. Actually, why the hell were you there, anyhow? Oh yeah, to force American resolutions on the rest of the planet while you did WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANTED. Now, egg is on the wrong face and you wanna take your toys and go home. Boo hoo. Well, your parents are ugly.

G: The world is ganging up over the Kyoto accord, which ol' bushie and his oil-hungry pals refuse to sign. According to the gospel of Bush, global warming does not exist. Environmental degradation, deforestation, depletion of resources? Exaggerated. American corporate dominance takes precedence over a sustainable and livable planet. Wanna know how he knows? God fucking told him so. Uh-oh… speaking of which…

E: The birth of the ‘New Puritanism’. God and state are now re-intertwined. Not since the pilgrims did the good old U.S. of A did religion play so high a profile in American political arenas. In a country of a million and one denominations only one takes precedence… oil... er, God. Sounds sinister? Don’t worry, God loves all his creatures… except the ones in Alaska where Bush wants to drill for oil. Those creatures can go fuck themselves.

F: Did you know that the U.S. is a) the only Western nation with the death penalty and b) on a list of those that do that includes practically every other fundamentalist/enemy nation on the planet? Now, doesn't the torture thing makes sense,hm?

G: Fox news and other propaganda spewing, state controlled media. This one doesn’t need a description.

H: Americans are getting even fatter. Possible? Maybe, but let’s blame everyone and everything but ourselves! Let’s sue McDonald’s because they forced us to eat twelve Big Macs in one sitting! Let’s force cruise ships to install bigger seats! Let’s get our stomachs stapled! Let’s take pills made of dog piss and squirrel shit to make us lose weight! Let’s do everything… but exercise and eat healthier. Why, that’d be un-‘Merican.

I: you guys actually voted for Bush. ‘Nuff said.

Don’t get me wrong, I love you guys, but you’re more whacked out than a Ritalin-infused tot on sugar smacks smoking crack in a closet.