Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Car.


Well, I have officially had it with my god-damned Honda Civic.

What the hell is it with ‘modern’ cars? In addition to my Civic, I also have a 1972 Dodge Charger. Not the big gas-guzzling Hemi version, but the slant six version, with reduced emission standards. This monster is 17 feet long, green, and bizarrely beautiful. Full of character, she is. The engine is 34 years old and still runs, but is in need of a rebuild. It’s a tank. The body is holding up nicely, with a little rust, but it’s still in wonderful shape. Nothing a little love couldn’t handle. She’ll outlast me.

Now, the Civic, what a money pit. It started rusting three weeks after I got it, the bastard. Everyone said they were worth it, really reliable. Reliable compared to what? A hot-dog cart? I’ve been screwed at the garage so often with this steaming mound of cow-pat I'm starting to wonder if i should be offering flowers and chocolates as I enter. I have nightmares where the damned thing is laughing at me and running off with my wallet, with acrid black clouds in its stead.

Since I got the ‘remon’ (Japanese for lemon, seriously) I have had to:

Replace the engine
Replace the transmission
Replace the starter
Suspension went
Scooter slammed into the side two weeks after I got it
Brakes died twice in three years
The rear bumper nearly fell off due to internal rust
The automatic starter died
The car got stolen and stripped, lights and all
Oil pan damaged during theft, had to be replaced
Bearings replaced twice
Radio stolen
Antenna broke off
Midsection fell out
Got ticketed for the muffler, had to replace it
Transmission died a week later (two days ago)

Now, I’d love to buy a hybrid, but if the problems I’ll have to put up with come even remotely close to this, I’d rather buy a fucking bow-legged camel. Nobody should have to put up with this. Greenhouse gases aside, the turnover on these rusting hulks has got to be addressed. The scrap piles of four-year old cars that have fallen apart must be an awesome spectacle indeed. They should put out a reliable re-useable car that you can buy a new motor for instead of having to pitch the entire auto; which is safe, cheap, customizable, modular and efficient. Pitch that in a meeting in Detroit or Osaka. They’ll look at you like you have a fucking hand growing out of your face.

I’m going to set the Civic on fire, drive it off a cliff and beat the smoking remains into the ground with a garden trowel.

What the hell happened to 'Quality'? Refer to the ‘slow life’ post a while back, if you truly want to know my thoughts on this (and Mr. Sinky's as well, though the entire 'putsch' originated with yours truly, ME.). Quality is on a beach somewhere in Acapulco, and who’s 'temping' in his absence? Profit-driven bottom lines.

5 Comments:

Blogger Kathleen Callon said...

Off topic... sorry about your car. We've had ten repairs since the new year, so I feel for you. Thanks for coming over and making me laugh. My son loved all the dino info and asked me to thank you, so thank you.

12:55 PM  
Blogger Blog Monkey said...

hey, my pleasure. i'd write a lot more about dinos if it didn't make me look like a basement-dwelling retard.

5:13 PM  
Blogger Kathleen Callon said...

My oldest son loves to point out the geekiest guy on Earth is also richest... I happen to agree.

Got your message. Is there a new post not showing yet?

5:21 PM  
Blogger Blog Monkey said...

take another peek

5:38 PM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

Now, the Civic, what a money pit. It started rusting three weeks after I got it, the bastard.

You know, you can't go wront with a Big Wheel. Simple, easy to replace, and no metal to rust.

10:03 PM  

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