Monday, November 21, 2005

Snowtires and Hand Grenades

What a bizarre weekend. On one hand, I've got one ex saying it didn't work because i was cold, harsh and distant and another saying I was too high-maintenance and an affection-whore. Now what the hell am i to make of this? Do really react that differently to different women, or am i bats? If they weren't so damned addictive, I'd give up on the fairer (but never fair) sex altogether. Thank frogger I'm a serial cad, or this might actually get to me.

oh, please, a consensus is all i ask, unless that consensus includes a rating system. And I honestly don't give two steamers what the skinny bitch who rode me into hellville all spring thinks, she can continue on her merry, merciless way to hell.

So, what's news?.

Is anyone else dragging their sphincters in buying snow tires? I know I should probably put some on, but you see, I like to drive fast and take corners at a clip, and what more to cause a huge manly erection-initiating, full out fishtail turn than bald tires and icy conditions? I mean, people burn out tires doing that in warmer months, and here I am with all the tools to do it with little or no wear and tear on my rubbers! I say, screw the tire industry and their incestuous kin, and have a little fun this holiday season. There's nothing quite quite like the knuckle-whitening, hair-raising, trouser-wetting thrill of barrelling downhill at an unseemly clip, only to put your foot through the floor with no avail as you glide wistfully through another busy intersection, bouncing merrily off your fellow motorists with glee. Children will scream with delight (and, more likely, agony) as you cheerfully bounce them off your windshield, adding claret and dental pearl to the already festive white of your ice-caked hood! ah, is that the sound of bells? ...Or is it the tinkle of breaking glass? Tra la la! Oh, the peals of laughter over the peeling of tires! It's quite like a toboggan, save for the broken bodies in it's wake. HOLLY! JOLLY! HA HA... LOCK ME UP, QUICK!

Say now, why the hell would i give up THAT this holiday season? You celebrate your way, and I'll celebrate mine, damn your eyes!

In retrospect, I wonder if the latter subject has anything to do with the first? Oh dear, it's worse than i thought.

By the way, i want a kitten for christmas. And a hand grenade.


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