Salma Hayek is Better Than Everything

I love Salma.

Salma, If you are reading this, dump the above monkey and come hang with a real ape.

What Chuck Norris is to men, Salma is to women, but sans beard. However, she would be equally as hot in a beard, and all women are acutely aware of that fact, so they don't even try when she is around.

In fact, women are so awed by her sexuality, that not only do they accept it when she takes their boyfriends, but some women actually offer their boyfriends in advance to her when they hear she will be in the area.

Her hotness is considered a bio-weapon. the pentagon has been keeping tabs on it since 'desperado' with the help of the CIA. alone, they could not contain said hotness, but as a tandem they at least have hope.

Her smile has actually been proven to have the ability cure world hunger, herpes and jock itch. more studies are being planned as they suspect it could eradicate polio and obesity as well.

Even though she is merely five-foot-two, her legs are six-feet long, a stunning anomaly, one that even has the worlds' pre-eminent scientists baffled and aroused.

her figure is so perfect that the corpse of Marilyn Monroe has vowed revenge for displacing her as 'the most perfect figure'and has raised an army of the dead to eradicate Salma. However, these soul-less creatures eventually gravitated to politics, leaving the skeletal remains of Marilyn to plot alone.

Salma's breasts saved countless souls left floating in the debris of hurricane Katrina. Their buoyance, not to mention 'hotness' was able to sustain four thousand, six hundred and thirty needy and aroused victims.

Salma ended world war two by smiling and tossing her hair. Hitler, realizing she was not aryan, shot himself, his fiancee, all his handlers, dogs, a ferret and four mice dead in his underground bunker.

Mexico is paying off it's world debt by selling vouchers to allow people to legally masturbate whilst thinking of Salma.

Bin Laden has vowed to call off the terror attacks if America sends him a pair of Salma's panties and a vial of her saliva. However, Bush's refusal, "nothing is worth that price.", is understandable. The attacks continue.

Salma's panties were elected as President of Iraq.

The Earth's rising temperatures, previously blamed on global warming due to carbon emissions and over-pollution were recently dismissed when scientists discovered Salma sunbathing topless in her backyard. More research into the phenomenon is being planned in a "very succinct, detailed and aroused fashion".

Alien attacks on earth were recently called off when the invaders inadvertantly tapped into a communications satellite broadcasting "From Dusk Til Dawn". Salma was presented a badge from the UN stating her to be "The Hottest Savior of Earth". It took over forty delegates to pin the honor to her chest. The aliens may have afflicted all delegates with a sort of nerve-virus before they left as the delegates all experienced difficulties in walking and speaking clearly.