Wednesday, January 04, 2006

What Would Zoidberg Do?


The future is now!

Anyhoo, been watching a ton of Futurama These days, lamenting its demise at the hands of Fox execs who kept shifting it about, pre-empting it for Football or bowling or lawndarts. I remember every time I went to catch an episode I was left agape as once again retards in body armor took precedence over what was then the smartest half-hour on the televisual radio.

However, like the Simpson clan, which went from being the Bart show to being the Homer show, Bender was supplanted quite early on by Zoidberg.

I don't think it was coincidental. In both cases, the 'cool' character lost it's flavor quickly and our hearts went out to the loser. So, screw tired old Bender. I ask myself often now, when put in an awkward social situation:

What would Zoidberg do? His non-confrontational blend of ineffectual repugnancy and pitiful self-immolating dejection is his meal ticket. Nobody argues with him, because nbody respects him enough to raise hackle and hand in his direction. He is generally forgiven and forgotten easily due to his small footprint upon the lives of others, the way one would scrape off the offending dog poo once trodden upon. If ignorance is bliss, then he must be in constant nirvana, since not a subject may be touched upon that his input is either sought after or registered. Ah, bliss. To be such a shadow. So, I ask myself, how does one follow such an example, to lead a life non-registered? Why, I'll tell you, since you asked.

When confronted with an awkward social circumstance, and trust me, they all are, 'fat-ass', you may choose to react in one of the following fashions:

a) Stare blankly and emit an odor (do you carry fish on your person? Take note.).
b) Vomit and run from the room, sobbing.
c) Ramble about everyone being your friends and how much love you weild for them. Deliver awkward slaps to backs, shoulders, breasts.
d) Ramble incessantly about a similar point, but not with enough relevance to actually be useful towards the ongoing discussion.
e) Laugh nervously, even if what being discussed is not a humorous aside.
f) Cry like some pissy-assed infant. this works equally as well with a sodden crotch as without.
g) Turn and make a hasty exit, first fumbling at a locked door, then with a jarren window.
h) scream and wave your arms. You will not be asked to contribute further.
i) Insist you email your retort later that evening. Accidentally send links list for various illegal porno sites.
j) Do not bathe. Do not brush nor pomade. Stand close, Eastern bloc-style, as a rule.

See? Zoidberg has everything going for him. He's an outsider to the core. Red, fat, misunderstood, poor hygiene, desperate to be loved but often ignored, bipolar, flatulent, single, poor, socially retarded, and repulsively awkward (not unlike Sink Chicken, ha ha, got you again.). Next to him, our lives are caramel-covered with honeyed skies and populated with gingerbread men and women who give us marvellous hand-jobs whenever we want.

However, a hand-job from Zoidberg I can live without. However, if you are free this evening...

9 Comments:

Blogger Sinkchicken said...

Yes you got me again but it's a plug for my blog nonetheless so jokes on you! However, something troubled me towards the tail end of your rant. Now it's not that I'm afraid of people like you and your kind, but were you referring to me when you asked if "you are free tonight"? I mean, you'd just mentioned me a few sentences above so I didn't see any other obvious "you" to whom you could have been referring. Regardless, if you were asking me for assistance in that "department", sadly, with more than a smidgen of relief, I am not free tonight and, besides, I don't think my wrist can take much more of your constant demands for "aid" and I think we can safely say that my debt has been paid off and I no longer still "owe you one".

11:22 AM  
Blogger Kathleen Callon said...

Zoidberg rules, but I'd rather be Leela. Even with just one eye, she seems to always get some, even though the some usually is nasty. Slim pickins in outer space I guess. Hope all is well.

11:35 AM  
Blogger Sinkchicken said...

I didn't watch the series in it's entirety but if I had to choose I'd like to be one of the robots on the All-Robot planet ("I, Robot"), especially one of the inner circle who gets to just yell "Silence!" all the time.

11:54 AM  
Blogger Blog Monkey said...

ya know, i have to admit i have just a bit of a 'thing' for leela and amy too.

which is sick.

chicken, your debt will never be paid. i hope your repetetive stress disorder doesn't sneak back up on you.

1:40 PM  
Blogger Kathleen Callon said...

Not sick. Leela and Amy wear some cute outfits.

2:56 AM  
Blogger Blog Monkey said...

do they ever.

11:07 AM  
Blogger Callooh said...

this is great, now instead of using tinfoil and rocking fetal-style in the corner (works with and without diapers) I have a whole NEW set of options! THANK YOU!
Tears of joy are spilling down my face.

ps you can blame Kathleen for me finding you...

12:31 PM  
Blogger Blog Monkey said...

tinfoil? there's an option. to think, all these years, i've been only chewing it.

5:12 PM  
Anonymous Becca said...

You know, just today I decided I'm going to get a "WWZD" tattoo, so I googled it. I laughed out loud when I stumbled across this. I'm glad I'm not the only one who holds Zoidberg in such high regard. Though, it is pretty ironic that while everyone watching the show loves him so dearly, he's one of the lowlier characters. Oh Zoidberg.

2:12 AM  

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