What Would Zoidberg Do?

The future is now!

Anyhoo, been watching a ton of Futurama These days, lamenting its demise at the hands of Fox execs who kept shifting it about, pre-empting it for Football or bowling or lawndarts. I remember every time I went to catch an episode I was left agape as once again retards in body armor took precedence over what was then the smartest half-hour on the televisual radio.

However, like the Simpson clan, which went from being the Bart show to being the Homer show, Bender was supplanted quite early on by Zoidberg.

I don't think it was coincidental. In both cases, the 'cool' character lost it's flavor quickly and our hearts went out to the loser. So, screw tired old Bender. I ask myself often now, when put in an awkward social situation:

What would Zoidberg do? His non-confrontational blend of ineffectual repugnancy and pitiful self-immolating dejection is his meal ticket. Nobody argues with him, because nbody respects him enough to raise hackle and hand in his direction. He is generally forgiven and forgotten easily due to his small footprint upon the lives of others, the way one would scrape off the offending dog poo once trodden upon. If ignorance is bliss, then he must be in constant nirvana, since not a subject may be touched upon that his input is either sought after or registered. Ah, bliss. To be such a shadow. So, I ask myself, how does one follow such an example, to lead a life non-registered? Why, I'll tell you, since you asked.

When confronted with an awkward social circumstance, and trust me, they all are, 'fat-ass', you may choose to react in one of the following fashions:

a) Stare blankly and emit an odor (do you carry fish on your person? Take note.).
b) Vomit and run from the room, sobbing.
c) Ramble about everyone being your friends and how much love you weild for them. Deliver awkward slaps to backs, shoulders, breasts.
d) Ramble incessantly about a similar point, but not with enough relevance to actually be useful towards the ongoing discussion.
e) Laugh nervously, even if what being discussed is not a humorous aside.
f) Cry like some pissy-assed infant. this works equally as well with a sodden crotch as without.
g) Turn and make a hasty exit, first fumbling at a locked door, then with a jarren window.
h) scream and wave your arms. You will not be asked to contribute further.
i) Insist you email your retort later that evening. Accidentally send links list for various illegal porno sites.
j) Do not bathe. Do not brush nor pomade. Stand close, Eastern bloc-style, as a rule.

See? Zoidberg has everything going for him. He's an outsider to the core. Red, fat, misunderstood, poor hygiene, desperate to be loved but often ignored, bipolar, flatulent, single, poor, socially retarded, and repulsively awkward (not unlike Sink Chicken, ha ha, got you again.). Next to him, our lives are caramel-covered with honeyed skies and populated with gingerbread men and women who give us marvellous hand-jobs whenever we want.

However, a hand-job from Zoidberg I can live without. However, if you are free this evening...