Tuesday, January 31, 2006

National Geographic, Neutered?

Last night I had dinner with a few enlightened types, some executives from the National Geographic Channel and I made the horrendous discovery that perhaps even 'enlightened' types are easily duped when the improper information is given. You see, ignorance is one thing and deadly in it's own right, but well-arranged and subtle propaganda can work it's way through a population, give it the impression that they are in possession of the facts and the impression that their opinions are well-researched and, once again, 'enlightened'.

They were under the impression that the Middle East, currently under siege by the west, is actually welcoming to the 'progress' that America is imposing. They believe, with utmost assurance that now that the US has invaded Iraq, all of the 'goodies' they are restoring are items they never had in their possession in the first place. To be honest, they believe that Iraq did not have electricity and running water, or health care, etc. To clarify, for a good while Iraq's people were in misery, mostly due to sanctions imposed upon them by the western nations after the first gulf war. This had a reverse effect, as Saddam used this occurrence to his benefit... the people were fully aware of the sanctions and rallied around their leader.

Iraq was not a Kasbah in the desert. They had a very well-constructed society with many of the luxuries we take for granted and then some. We're not bringing fire to the natives, here, folks.

They believe (I use this term lightly) the same for Afghanistan, that they love America for coming in and building roads and dams and whatever. Sigh. That explains all the killing... It is out of happiness! I know when I'm happy, I like to blow shit up...

I guess the propaganda machine has become more pervasive than I thought. Also, external news sources are all but drowned out with the monopolization of media outlets in America. So, can I blame them? Is it battle fatigue? Have the National Geographic guys just given up in the face of such unrelenting misinformation that towing the line is easier than casting a new net?

The 'victor' writes the history, it seems, but I was expecting something a bit more eloquent and thought provoking than this current spate of revisionist drivel. At least wait a few years before putting words in the mouths of your victims.

And, shame on National Geographic for not taking a clearer, and more worldly, stand. They are supposed to bring the world to your doorstep, not be a doormat on which the lies of current administration may be tramped. Get the hell out there and expose, the way poachers, polluters and parasites of every kind have been previously exposed. A society that prides itself on all matters tooth and claw should bare these implements and thirst for jugular and justice.

...Otherwise, they are just a cartographer like every other, on the sidelines drawing ravaged roads and shifting borders with indifference as the world burns.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Short, Sweet, Simian.

Monkeys do it like no-one's watching.

And, when you get tired of that, spank some booty.

Never say I never gave you nothin'.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

The Human Form and Perception

I have been in discussions to do artwork for a mutimedia event, the focus being the Human form. While for most this may seem a tantalizing subject, and perhaps a no-brainer, I am rife with ideas and doubts. You see, I am not enamored with the subject in any sort of representational way, but rather in the perception of the human form, either by self appraisal, distortions of self due to warped and societically-shaped views, how others view you under the same conditions, the form in motion, etc.

So, I am left in a conundrum. Since I do not intend to represent the body as an object, I need to find a way within my own style, which is highly abstract, to represent these ideas.

...And it's driving me nuts.

I may have a few ways of doing it, but the scale I tend to work, and the layered, intuitive way of assemblage (that is the only descriptive that suits my method, honestly), I am now obliged, no, FORCED to plan. Planning is generally a good thing, but the way I paint, I allow the image to gradually reveal itself, to shape itself. The 'idea' is never clear, it only becomes clear as I reveal it to myself. This is probably why I am never keen on showing the work, due to it's 'otherness', I never feel like I am the creator, let alone 'artist' (heaven knows I will not take on that label, it is not for me to determine whether I am fit enough to do so.). I never feel like it is mine, it takes on it's own life, it's own idea, like a potted plant... sure I may tend to soil and seed, but i do not determine how it will react to light, align itself, when it will bloom. How do I resolve this with a pre-determined subject, without giving up so much of the sponteniety that drives my work in the first place? How do I discard the knowledge that precisely the fact that I do not allow my concious mind to drive the work is the reason for it's existence in the first place? Will, by trying to take control, will I lose control, and risk it's frailty?

Don't mind me, just pacing out loud. Thoughts? Too many 'I's above for my liking.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Monday Elections! Yay! Kill me!

“The facts don’t matter.”
- Rondo Thomas, Conservative candidate (Ajax-Pickering)

So, on monday Elections will be held in Canada. As I've do doubt said before, I have what amounts to zero interest (unless we can go into negatives) in this bizarre sideshow of an election. To choose from we have four camps.

1. the Corrupt: Liberals.
2. the Self-serving: Bloc.
3. the Righteous: Conservatives
4. the Loopy: NDP.

Ah, the misery of choice.

However, i want to be sure that our American friends do not have a warped sense of our values. I say this due to the fact that our presumably forward thinking proposals have made us a bit of a Eden in the minds of decent, forward thinking American friends. However, the Emperor may have no clothes, and our society is just a footfall away (or a Conservative win) from regression.

We have yet to ratify any of the bills put forward to fully legalize pot, gay marriage... we haven't even coughed up the cash for the African incentives (much to Bono's chagrin) or the full amount for the Tsunami. We, honestly, make quite a few promises we don't keep simply because we love the adoration. Our collective hearts may be in the right place, but it's the walk that counts, not the talk.

check out the trailer for Escape to Canada, and, if you think that all the Bible-banging weirdos reside in the bible belt, Meet Rondo, the Conservative candidate for Ajax-Pickering, Ontario. Believe it or not, Canada will vote these nuts in come Monday because they feel we 'need a change'. Because the Liberals are viewed as corrupt (they wasted money on an initiative to keep Canada whole, and that initiative's cost were miniscule compared to the type of cash that gets thrown around every day... a literal 'drop in the bucket', pocket-change).

This is why no matter who wins, nothing will really ever get done to anyone's satifaction.
Yeah, i know people in Aafghanifiikidarfurstan would love to vote, and I should do my patriotic duty and I'm lucky I can vote and I don't get raped by marauding chimps and whatnot... But need it be so?

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

'Slow Life' Required Reading, And Kinkakuji

More required reading on the Slow Life movement in Japan (in particular, Shizuoka Prefecture's Kakegawa City, 80,000 residents) here, and a tranquil image to contemplate.

Above is Kinkakuji, or the Golden Temple (There is also a Silver Temple), which makes its home in Kyoto, one of my favorite cities in Japan, along with Nara. The place is absolutely haunted with history and georgeous temples. Another site worth contemplating is Ryoanji, the celebrated Zen garden which can be seen in the film, 'Baraka'. A sense of wonder and fulfillment is unavoidable in these areas.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006


With subtle echoes to my 'cultural identity' ideology, the 'slow life' or 'Ganabaranai!' movement in Japan has sprouted. While a lot has been made of the idea to 'slow' everything down, and make the most out of life, therefore creating a more balanced, harmonious society, much honus has been made towards enjoying items and experiences which are distinctly Japanese.

In short, slow down and take the time to make a traditional, healthy meal instead of going for fast food (which is, in most cases, western-style). Slow down and build a proper home, not a faceless, culturally bankrupt mass market construct. Use good materials, ones that have stood the test of time in your area. Take the time to drink tea, walk and enjoy the environment, take the time to wear traditional clothing and take pride in their craftmanship. Yes, I know there will be arguments that only the rich have time to do this, but is it not their financial lead the markets follow? The habits of the rich have a tendency to trickle down, as the general acceptance rises.

Ultimately, under the guise of bettering one's life there is a definite underpinning of Cultural Identity which i wholly approve. Win-win.

Sink chicken has the full article and some posted points of interest. One of his sources, is here. Sink Chicken, in spite of his name, often has some interesting letters.

They are perhaps now realizing that the forced American template does not work. Sixty years on, the society has little resemblance to the prior ages, in which change was slow, perhaps, but rich and bountiful, always exploring new facets of their culture, but always with a very distinct core. Sixty years is all it took to go from a defined and richly textured sense of self to a sad, made-in-Japan clone of the American dream, with little sense of direction or past, floundering in the ocean of mediocrity.

Now, the question is this: How can this (movement) be instituted in the world of today, where the pace, breakneck and unrelenting, pushes like a tsunami against the shores of custom, eroding cultures under the torrent of capitalistic pressure? (pardon the run on structure.)

Can we slow down and enjoy? By slowing down, will we be able to maintain our cultural identities, our true sense of self? Will we slow down enough to look back on our rampage through the delicate balance of the natural world? Will we all be able to take that moment to reflect on the full scope of our actions, rather than what we have been doing, these snap decisions based on current goals and benefits? Will the 'ruling' class take this movement to heart?

...Or do we just continue to drive ourselves into the ground?

Monday, January 16, 2006

I Hangeth with Whores

Just a little JPEG fun. Also, Sink Chicken's humorous aside. Funny stuff... If you are non-denominational.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Exporting Identity

I was having thoughts about the moment the world went from a set of oft-fluxing, but beautiful cultures, to a mediocre, whoring, monochrome cesspool rife with greed, lust, envy, etc.

May I offer this: The 'melting pot' is wrong. Burgers in Kyoto is wrong. Exporting 'culture' is wrong (If it supplants another countrys, especially, like the American entertainment juggernaught). Being aware of the beauty of other cultures is fine, but to maintain that singular beauty one should treat it somewhat like a prize hound, admire from a respectful distance, and if the gate is shut, leave it be.

I'm saddened whenever I meet a denizen of any country that has forsaken their dwindling cultural heritage for a pair of jeans, a burger for breakfast, and a quick fuck. Now, I am not suggesting a return to 12th century separation, but what I am hoping for are governments to start taking stock of who they truly are, what matters most, culturally and idealistically, and make policy decisions with that foremost in mind.

Now I am not advocating and all-out ban of of other cultures' products and services, what I am advocating is that careful consideration be given to the scope and scale of those items in relation to the existing cultural norms within a given country. To allow unfettered access to alien content is to ring the death knell for aboriginal culture.

It will be painful at first. McDonalds can bring a lot of financial benefits to any community (and potentially rape it as well), but it does nothing to advance or maintain an aboriginal community. All it does is homogenize, displace cultural eating habits. And for the sake of what? Economy. How often have we heard an immoral idea or lustful/greedy person quantified with the tagline, "yeah, but he/she/it makes a lot of money." I'm no expert, but I'm sure this is not the best way to react to insolence, ignorance or poorly-thought-out economic or environmental policy.

North America is a mess, a shining beacon of proof that different solitudes can only play nice if they dissolve all that they once were and become one with the controlling populace. Yes, they keep certain aspects of their cultures (i.e. Indian restaurants that make bland food) but America at home is not the issue here... it is the exportation of the 'make way for the west' attitude that is most damaging, the force-feeding of Western culture on the rest of the world in the guise of trade policy. All those Big Macs, Automobiles, designer jeans and porno magazines add up in the mad rush to erode and supplant cultures to make them more friendly to the west, and therefore, more dependant.

...And governments should do more, act more in defiance, in defence of their cultural identity. I actually applaud Hugo Chavez for standing up, after decades of CIA rule in south america, death squads, forced labor, etc. I'm not saying he's doing it properly (lord knows, we never get the whole story), but that he is doing it, risking life and limb, for IDENTITY, is a wonderful concept. I hope it continues, respectfully of course, this drive towards re-establishing pride in a nation's identity, and I pray for it to continue on a planetary scale. However, to assume that the policy-makers will put anything before economic savagery is highly unlikely, alas, but one can dream, no?

So dust off your Kilts, Kimonos, Saris, berets, anoraks... Cast off the pale jeans of cultural homogenization and wear them with swelling pride.

Friday, January 13, 2006

...And Now for Something Completely Different

I'm not sure if anyone else has seen this, but the first time i watched it, I needed a shower. Take a peek at the trailer, and don't blame me if you get ill.

Aside from being incredibly well done and expertly executed, it is similarly horrific.

Get the body scrub ready.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Conversations with Friends (A Feature Most Banal)

An ongoing feature over here at Blogmonkey Entertainment Warehouse is the 'Conversations with Friends' feature. Not only is it a constant source of good-natured and wholesome humor, these conversations also serve as ad-hoc filler on days when Uncle Blogmonkey is too drunk / hung-over / depressed to actually get his ass out of bed or off the couch to post anything meaningful.

I'd love to think that the 'conversations' give you a peek into my world, but I would be kidding myself as I rarely discuss anything meaningful or thought-provoking.

The following conversation was derived and condensed from a conversation had today concerning a prompt to view the ongoing comic-strip 'Maakies' by a 'friend'. I try to warn him of environmental risks of children's toys and stroke his ego concerning his member. I imagine he stroked his member as his ego was being assuaged, but this cannot be yet established, as he has yet to mail me his underpants.

Conversation # 342

'Monkey' says:
...Readin' maakies, okay?

'Monkey' says:
I said I am reading the damned link you sent me.

'Monkey' says:
I find them mildly interesting but boorish. Are they meant to be?

'Monkey' says:
And, there are a few maritime references; is the artist from Gloucester or Halifax?

'Monkey' says:
Here, here is a TOY that might interest you, made of 'PVC'. They advertise the 'PVC' like it is rock crystal, but it is merely Polyvinyl Chloride, which may or may not have an effect on human health, so try not to ingest the figure. You know, PVC has been at the centre of a controversial debate during much of the last two decades.A number of diverging scientific, technical and economic opinions have been expressed on the question of PVC and its effects on human health and the environment. Some Member States have recommended or adopted measures related to specific aspects of the PVC life cycle. However, these measures vary widely. In order to assess the whole life cycle of PVC and its possible impact on human health and the environment as well as the proper functioning of the internal market, the Commission has carried out several studies and issued a Green Paper on Environment Issues of PVC.That commission being, EUROPA, the European Environmental Commission. I'm not sure whether a similar study is being conducted on our shores. Have fun!

De gootsteenkip says:
Thanks...um, I think he's American.

De gootsteenkip says:
What do you mean by "boorish" since it is a word no one in the 21st century should be using?

'Monkey' says:
Shut up. It is a fine word.

De gootsteenkip says:
No thank you. What’s with the whole PVC thing?

'Monkey' says:
Read it before you go off. I know all you read was 'PVC' because it was in caps.

De gootsteenkip says:
No, I mean why did you send it to me? ...Because one of the guy's characters is being sculpted in it? ...And I actually DID read it all.

De gootsteenkip says:

'Monkey' says:
Yes. Thought you needed to kn- FUCK YOU.

De gootsteenkip says:
I wasn't about to go order one, but maybe now I will!

'Monkey' says:
Last time I try to warn you about the ill effects of polyvinyls. You can go eat a sandwich bag for all I care, then. Go on, eat one. Don't care.

'Monkey' says:

'Monkey' says:
(I love you...)

De gootsteenkip says:
Yummyyyumyum…Uh, did that just slip out or are you drunk?

'Monkey' says:
Can it be both?

De gootsteenkip says:
I guess it can be. I’m just giving you a way out by suggesting you tell me you had too much to drink.

'Monkey' says:
I will take it, then, and bow out in a heterosexual manner.

De gootsteenkip says:
...Meaning no bum bum bent in my direction?

'Monkey' says:
"How about them Maple Leafs, from your home town, Toronto?"

De gootsteenkip says:
"They are swell, thanks!"Ah yes, perfect, my dick is going all soft again. Phew!

'Monkey' says:

'Monkey' says:

De gootsteenkip says:
Again, as in returning to the state it was previous to your verbal slippage. Dick as in wee wee.

'Monkey' says:
Oh, "tiny".

'Monkey' says:
Stop me when I nail it.

De gootsteenkip says:
No, don't stop, I’m almost there!

'Monkey' says:

De gootsteenkip says:
(waiting on undergarments to verify this occurance. -ed.)

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Cross words (No, Not My Usual Bellyaching.)

Here's a little non-denominational fun for all you Blogmonkey Club Members! It is so easy, you'd have to be an ignorant moron* (or government employee*) to fail to solve it.

Today I decided to take a break from politics to introduce a little distraction to our lives, whether it be the weather that's getting you down, or that hideous tumor that has you worried (and pissing blood).

Enjoy! (print and use a pencil, preferably a 2B)

*I actually like these guys. But they are still morons.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

The Bobble-Heads of Parliament, or, Pass the Voting Card and Strychnine, Sir.

I read the front section ONLY of the local rag today and that was enough.

I have been on medication up until recently because others were convinced I was losing it, but I think perhaps the shoe was on the wrong foot. I'm depressed because the planet is fucking crazy and my mind is reacting in the the only way it knows how, shutting down, tuning out, giving up.

We've got a farce of an election coming up in the White North and all of the players are scumbags and theives. We've got the liberals promising tax rebates as if we can be bribed with our own money into letting them back into power, only so they can dig deeper into our own pockets.

Maybe I am wrong, but if we wind up every year with a huge government windfall in terms of taking in more taxes than they require to effectively run the country, perhaps they should NOT TAKE SO MUCH TAX TO BEGIN WITH? Every year, we have the finance minister beaming that they have an over-balanced budget with a surplus that would make any G8 country green with envy, yet a populace that is on the verge of tears because the taxes excised (there is no better word) are more than anyone can bear.

People are retiring into abject poverty. Nobody is saving any money. Personally, i lose a week's wages in taxes for every week I work. Does this sound like a 'healthy' economy? STOP RAPING US, AND LET US KEEP SOME HARD-EARNED CASH!

I personally plan to leave this country over this. Now, if the options in terms of other parties offered up any type of solution to this, perhaps I would not be so glum, chum, but they do not. All of our 'options' will probably be similar to what we have now, with all the local and international effectiveness as tits on the proverbial bull.

Our first option, if I just ignore the Liberals for a moment here, is the Conservative party led by none other than the creepy neo-fascist, Bush-buddy Stephen 'pound-puppy' Harper. He's now making bold promises to cut taxes, but as usual, it is a cheap ploy. He has no idea the state of the economy and won't be able to do anything until he's elected in. You know, what's so wrong with campaigning to 'look into a tax cut'? At least it is truthful to a certain extent. If you want to know why taxes are so high to begin with, look no further. the GST mess began with them. Do we take a chance to see? Why, we already know they'll trample our rights like a bull in a china shop based on his previous comments on Terrorism, war and the rights of citizens in this country. He puts on a meek grin, but he has a massive boner to fuck us with, and he's rarin' to use it.

The NDP and Jack 'softie' Layton? If it was up to these guys, we'd have to throw our money in a big pile and divvy it up evenly. This party is run primarily for the weak, and everyone knows the weak do not run the economy. Health care, a septic morass as is, does not work under the founding principals, but they will not change it. Taxes will get higher under these people as they try to institue every damned social system under the sun. Hell, if it was up to them, I'm sure we'd be funding health care systems in foreign countries! Now, don't get me wrong, we should not run a system whereby the weak fall through the cracks, but we should not coddle them either. Canada under-achieves enough without the urging of governmental offices.

The Bloc (A.K.A. The Quececois Communist Party)and Gilles 'never blink' Duceppe? Listen, these guys are so in bed with the unions that they might as well change their name to 'Les Teamsters'. Quebec is a society that just does not work. 15% of the gross population works for the government, and untold more are unionized. The roads are a mess, the beaurocracy a tangled web of red tape and disinterest. The infrastructrure is crumbling and new work projects disintegrate within 5 years due to improperly trained technicians and the disinterest of political heads. They waste money like a college student on credit, yet they reap in the highest taxes of all provinces. Head offices left Quebec in a stampede to Calgary after the referendum push in 95 to the tune of OVER 250. All those jobs went with them. We careened into a depression. And now they want to do it again. What are they, Heir to Napoleon's self-destructive, aggrandizing ways?

...So, the Devil I know, or just get the hell out of Dodge?

Friday, January 06, 2006

Have Mercy on my Blackened Soul.

Why the hell do we have to do this anyway? Is it revenge on those who do not use the roman alphabet?

Have a heart and turn it off.

Shit. I wrote a blog about blogging. Those resolutions keep tumbling like an Irishman at closing time.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Like Cats?

Not any more.

...Even less so.


too much time + unhealthy fascination with cats = the above.

But, this is okay.

Dig the one 'rubbing' the xylophone. Treat your instruments right, kids.

an aside:
If 'Katrina' and the mining disaster taught me anything, it's that the blood of the lower classes no longer oils the wheels of industry.
...It's congealed into the paving stones of the miserably rich, to be trodden upon, spat upon, forgotten beneath the heel..

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

What Would Zoidberg Do?

The future is now!

Anyhoo, been watching a ton of Futurama These days, lamenting its demise at the hands of Fox execs who kept shifting it about, pre-empting it for Football or bowling or lawndarts. I remember every time I went to catch an episode I was left agape as once again retards in body armor took precedence over what was then the smartest half-hour on the televisual radio.

However, like the Simpson clan, which went from being the Bart show to being the Homer show, Bender was supplanted quite early on by Zoidberg.

I don't think it was coincidental. In both cases, the 'cool' character lost it's flavor quickly and our hearts went out to the loser. So, screw tired old Bender. I ask myself often now, when put in an awkward social situation:

What would Zoidberg do? His non-confrontational blend of ineffectual repugnancy and pitiful self-immolating dejection is his meal ticket. Nobody argues with him, because nbody respects him enough to raise hackle and hand in his direction. He is generally forgiven and forgotten easily due to his small footprint upon the lives of others, the way one would scrape off the offending dog poo once trodden upon. If ignorance is bliss, then he must be in constant nirvana, since not a subject may be touched upon that his input is either sought after or registered. Ah, bliss. To be such a shadow. So, I ask myself, how does one follow such an example, to lead a life non-registered? Why, I'll tell you, since you asked.

When confronted with an awkward social circumstance, and trust me, they all are, 'fat-ass', you may choose to react in one of the following fashions:

a) Stare blankly and emit an odor (do you carry fish on your person? Take note.).
b) Vomit and run from the room, sobbing.
c) Ramble about everyone being your friends and how much love you weild for them. Deliver awkward slaps to backs, shoulders, breasts.
d) Ramble incessantly about a similar point, but not with enough relevance to actually be useful towards the ongoing discussion.
e) Laugh nervously, even if what being discussed is not a humorous aside.
f) Cry like some pissy-assed infant. this works equally as well with a sodden crotch as without.
g) Turn and make a hasty exit, first fumbling at a locked door, then with a jarren window.
h) scream and wave your arms. You will not be asked to contribute further.
i) Insist you email your retort later that evening. Accidentally send links list for various illegal porno sites.
j) Do not bathe. Do not brush nor pomade. Stand close, Eastern bloc-style, as a rule.

See? Zoidberg has everything going for him. He's an outsider to the core. Red, fat, misunderstood, poor hygiene, desperate to be loved but often ignored, bipolar, flatulent, single, poor, socially retarded, and repulsively awkward (not unlike Sink Chicken, ha ha, got you again.). Next to him, our lives are caramel-covered with honeyed skies and populated with gingerbread men and women who give us marvellous hand-jobs whenever we want.

However, a hand-job from Zoidberg I can live without. However, if you are free this evening...

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Anti-Resolutions. (Patent Pending)

Well, the last post was a set of resolutions for the New Year, none of which I will probably stick to. However, I thought if I created a set of resolutions that are anti-resolutions, and then I would definitely come out on top because losing would be winning. It is precisely this kind of hackneyed logic that keeps me sobbing in a fetal position in the dark, cold evenings in the basement… but this year I’ll have it work to my advantage.

This year, my self destructive, contrary mind-frame will be my salvation, no longer my Achilles’ heel. I will not be like the sallow Sink Chicken, depressed, alone, cuckolded (we all know it’s mine), blindly aping the writings of yours truly.

The bastard. The fat, unattractive, lonely bastard. Happy New Year, Sinkford P. Chicken.

So, no more pushing off the inevitable, and on with my miraculous list of anti-resolutions, sure to change the course of my hollow, meaningless existence. This time next year I shall be full of drive, piss, vinegar, purpose. Or, in jail.

Here they are, again, not in order of importance.

a) Learn to find at least one good reason to hate everyone. If they are perfect, hate that about them. If they are crippled, be envious of the attention they receive. After all, nobody has built any ramp anywhere for me, the bastards.

b) Do not help the less fortunate, even if they are stuck in a well. Especially if they are stuck in a well. Remember, handouts invariably go towards booze and drugs, and I’ll be damned if I’m not the one ingesting them.

c) Become more inept at work than I really am. Blame everyone else for my stupidity. Cc clients on insulting inner memos. Fuck up Fed Ex shipments. Refuse to wear pants. Call people in my office so I can merely yell “Get the fuck out of my office”. Show up drunk and violate photocopier.

d) Vomit in public. (Can be used with the above.)

e) Vomit in private. May be accompanied by manic crying and head butting. Cries of “why me!?” should accompany, often in raspy falsetto.

f) Gain 40 lbs. Go on a steady diet of cola, red liquorice and sugar packets.

g) Stop pesky ‘sleeping’ habit. Spend days in haze of confusion, numbness and drifting thought.

h) Change my conversational tone into a shrill pitch and stand uncomfortably close to everyone. Stop all tooth-brushing and …

i) Shower less. All it does is hide the stale smell of alcohol, which is a ‘babe magnet’, I hear. Side effect: the French will respect me.

j) Learn to comb-over. The ‘bitches’ love it.

k) Quote Star Wars in daily life and learn to appreciate Star Trek for its merits concerning racial integration and harmony. In doing so I will prove my inestimable intelligence and worldliness.

l) Learn to smoke… a pipe. Crack pipe. Develop crippling addiction.

m) Start that ‘sad clown’ collection I’ve been thinking of. Felt paintings are going cheap now, and I’d better scoop them up before the market upswings.

n) Believe Bush. He’s harmless. This would require full frontal lobotomy, perhaps with a rusty trowel.

o) Learn to love the taste of lead paint and asbestos.

p) Write blogs about blogging. In a font that is unreadable… in green on red. Stop speel chekcrin$g.

q) Leave damp towels on bed.

r) Replace vacuum left by deposed president Hussein, begin reign of terror.

s) Sing show tunes in highly annoying falsetto whilst in subway.

t) Become cloying, abrupt and self-important. Yell my opinion at television and street advertising. Argue vehemently with children as to my perspective because adults know I’m full of shit and I need acknowledgement.

u) Videotape neighbors and watch the tapes at full volume with doors/windows ajar.

v) OBEY.

I guess that is it. Normally scheduled posting will resume tomorrow I guess. I’m ‘holiday-ed’ out. Back to work…

Monday, January 02, 2006

Happy New.... Ah, Screw It.

Here, in random order, are my resolutions:

1: Stop randomizing things and put things in order. Like dishes, socks, priorities.

2: Take up binge drinking and a dangerous drug habit. You only live once, and fast!

3: Buy nice clothes that make other people look fat and unattractive. Rub their faces in it when given the chance.

4: Be nicer to those who love me, or at least pretend to. This won't happen, but we all need pipe dreams.

5: Feed my pet. He's looking weak these days.

6: Make mo' money, even if it is stolen. Actually, ESPECIALLY if it is stolen.

7: Stop sanding without a respirator. Jesus, what was i thi- (cough) -nking?

8: Move faaaar away. I may be forced to if I...

9: Finally admit to her that I love her and stop this ridiculous charade, even if she never speaks to me again.

If I can nail only a few of these, happier I will be. Become, a cheerful soul, will I be.


10: Never talk like yoda.